Anna Geary: 'Grief will impact on how I live my life'

Over the past two years, Anna Geary has experienced both sides of life – the joy of becoming a first-time mum as well as the pain of losing her father and brother. Donal O'Donoghue hears her story.

Anna Geary is a woman rebuilding herself. Last October, just before his wedding day, her only sibling, Thomas, died suddenly. It followed the death of her dad, Michael, the previous March after a long illness with cancer.

"When you experience such immense loss, you try to make sense of it as well as wondering how in the name of God am I going to cope with this," says the former GAA sports star who is now a fixture on primetime TV and radio from Ireland’s Fittest Family to Love in the Country and Supercharged.

"I tried to find some glimmer of light amid all the darkness. But grief too gave me perspective on what is important in life."

The pain is still raw she says as she negotiates through the good days and bad, the one-time Cork camogie star with four All-Ireland medals, the mother, the wife and daughter. It’s a story she’s still writing, and grief is just part of it.

"I never thought as a young girl growing up on a dairy farm in North Cork (Milford) that one day I’d be your one off the telly, that one that roars at people to get over the wall! If I have learned anything in the last few years it’s that life can change in an instant and we owe it to the people who haven’t had the opportunity to live their life to the full, to live ours as fully as we can. And I want to do just that."

Love in the Country, an Irish variation on the global franchise, is a perfect match for its bubbly host. It is also somewhat addictive, as I found myself earlier this year quietly transfixed as three middle-aged country gents went politely in pursuit of a glamorous woman from the West. In the thick of it was Geary, coaxing and cajoling and ready to dole out a bit of tough love too.

"I think the show captures dating in all its shapes and guises: it can be awkward and messy but also so exciting. I’m their wing-woman, there as a friend to give the pat on the back and motivational talk when needed but equally, I will tell them what they need to hear even if they don’t want to hear it. Like telling them that this person has all they were asking for – A, B, C, D and all the rest – and yet I’m saying ‘do you really know what you’re looking for?’"

Anna Geary found love in a pub – the first encounter, in ‘country in the city’ boozer Flannerys, a platonic encounter that was followed by a proper date five months later in Harry Byrne’s.

"When we met first it was just a friendship and I wasn’t trying to impress Kev," she says of her now husband, Dubliner Kevin Sexton. "Sure, he was handsome but that’s like admiring a good burger in a restaurant: it looks fab but that’s it. So, it was relaxed and friendly. Five or so months later, with circumstances changed for both of us, we met on a date."

The rest, she says is history and on October 1, 2019, at a splashy wedding at Castlemartyr Resort in Cork, they tied the knot. The wedding pix were sold to glossy mag, RSVP, all glam and glitter and camogie hurleys, and amid it all images of Anna with her father, freighted now with a special poignancy.

Memories of her dad can still ambush her at unexpected moments. Like a recent night watching the TV show Breeders and a scene with a granddad telling his grandson a bedtime story.

"My dad was so great at that, making up a different story every night," says Anna. "I started welling up watching that TV show because Ronan will never get to experience that with his grandad. Grief for me is like the layers of an onion – you think that you’ve reached a place where you can cope with it and then something else happens. The sad thing is that life moves on and you must find a way to live again in a different way. But I will always have to live with grief and manage it better. And sometimes I can’t manage, and it engulfs me. But you just must find ways to navigate through it."

Ronan, who was born in August 2023, is one way. "It’s the greatest joy but also the hardest challenge I’ve ever done," she says of motherhood. "What we see online about motherhood and parenting can be curated to look easy but while it’s brilliant, it is also bloody tough. Some days you’re so discombobulated from the sleep deprivation that you wonder what did I do with my life before all this? But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

"Mom guilt is there for me and the separation from Ronan can be overwhelming. I don’t know if that is a biological thing or what but then there’s so much guilt in life now: guilt about being too tired to play with the kids in the evening after you get home from work or guilt about eating the wrong stuff or guilt about not exercising enough. And while I’m Ronan’s mom that’s not all I am."

In October, two months after arrival of Ronan, Thomas, died suddenly. "I now have a 13-month-old baby, and I must keep going," she says now, the loss still raw. "I must get up every day and get on with life. In those early days when I was almost worn down by grief that gave me a purpose. But we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. It’s also about giving yourself permission to have a day where you feel like you’re falling apart.

"Grief is not linear. It’s not like it dies down after a year or whatever. Every single day you must find ways to cope and some days you will be able to manage it better. Grief will impact on how I live my life going forward. In some ways it probably has shaped and changed how I am as a person and not necessarily for the worse."

I tell her that she seems different, more mature perhaps, than when we last spoke some years back. But then a lot has happened since, the joy and pain shaping how and who she is now. Earlier this year, Geary published her first book, Anna’s Game Plan: its cover embroidered with taglines such as ‘unlock your confidence’ and ‘find your purpose’. Yet she resists the notion that it is just another self-help book, a DIY manual churned out to fill shelves already groaning with the genre.

"It offers a practical way you can navigate through life, the good times and the not so good times. The subject had been swirling around in my head for a decade before I put pen to paper. When I look back now, I think ‘God I have gone through a lot, and I have learned a lot of life lessons too. I only hope that it will make me a stronger person."

Her mother, Ellen, has been a rock and inspiration. "The resilience I have I got from my mam," she says. "She is a very independent, very determined woman and has shown me that you must embrace the life you’re given and that is warrior-like. Words like ‘courageous’ and ‘brave’ are bandied about a lot these days but to me she is the essence of courage, learning to live again after losing those closest to her. And I love the time mam spends with Ronan.

"The funny thing is that he can say ‘dada’ and ‘nana’ but he can’t say ‘mama’ properly yet. And mam of course is delighted. We’ve always been very close and have a very open relationship. Yet I think I’m more like my dad who had a big personality: very energetic, a bit fiery, very competitive, wearing our heart on our sleeves and a tad dramatic too!"

Anna Geary shares her parents’ strong Catholic faith. Did it help her? "I don’t go to mass every Sunday, but I do pray and have those moments of trying to make peace with what has happened or find solace by leaning into my faith," she says.

"Now your faith can also be challenged when you lose people in the prime of their life, as happened with Thomas, and you’re trying to make sense of all of that. But yes, I’ve leaned into my faith as it’s all about trying to find ways of coping. Years of playing sport also helped, moving my body is my mindfulness, and so if I’m ever feeling overwhelmed, going for a run, or a walk."

Did she go to counselling? "I’m not against it, and maybe it’s something I will use down the line, but when I went back to qualify as a sports coach, I also did a lot of work on myself and that helped me."

Her language reflects someone who has put the work in and continues to do so. "Grief is like when you throw a stone into a pond and all these ripples spread outwards: the ripples are all the consequences of loss whether it’s not being read bed-time stories by your grandad or whatever. I’m lucky that my dad walked me down the aisle but it’s so sad that he wasn’t there to see Ronan and hold him.

And she beats on: family, self and career all part of the bigger picture. And the past too belongs here. "As Ronan gets older, and if he ever has a brother or sister, I believe it’s very important to talk about dad and Thomas, to keep their memories alive."

It’s also about being herself: the supercharged Anna Geary with energy and ambition to burn. "One of the hardest things is to allow yourself to experience joy or feel good amid all the sadness whether it’s a belly-laugh with a friend or the photo shoot earlier today. But my priorities have shifted. My perspective on health has changed just as I hope my empathy has increased. I care less about the small stuff, but I still want to feel good and do a good job."

And after seventy minutes of chat, she’s finally at home where other priorities wait.

"I’ve got to go now, Donal, because I’m back in mum mode."