How to cope with grief at Christmas time

Counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar shares her tips for coping with grief at Christmas.

Christmas is a time saturated in emotions and evocative memories. Special occasions are milestones that magnify loss. The grief experience is complex, and is an individual process for each person.

It ignites a range of symptoms including deep sadness, a lack of concentration, anger, anxiety or numbness. It often feesl like the heart has been broken into pieces, and can seem all too real or surreal. Sleep and appetite get disturbed, and energy levels depleted by grief exhaustion.

The bereaved may feel lonely, yet not up to company. It is especially sharp for those whose loved ones died around the holiday period. Christmas magnifies grief with its cheerfulness, bustle and expectations. It painfully emphasises that the person is no longer here to buy a present for, or to share dinner with.

The deceased may have been the Christmas cook, the decorator, or the child waiting for Santa. Cues and traditions trigger intense feelings and longings. Sounds, smells and visuals all alert the brain to this time of year. 'What ifs' and wonderings erupt strongly to the surface.

The lead up to Christmas day can be the most challenging. While grief at the first Christmas is raw, there is no expiry date so, even years on, it still acutely hurts.

Around this time of year, interests, classes and activities may slow down while others get busy with their own lives. Social supports may shrink. Not wanting to bring others' festive moods down, the bereaved may isolate.

Crying while others are celebrating is lonely. Or they are avoided by others who may feel helpless, not know what to say or dont want to be intrusive. Friends or families struggling with their own issues may not have the strength to support those mourning. Sometimes, a lack of empathy or fear makes it difficult for people to support grief.

Tips for coping with grief

Set realistic expectations. It is not feasible to expect yourself to engage in the the usual activities or socialising.

Ditch christmas tasks if you are not up to them. Exhaustion and sadness drain the battery. Remind people its a difficult time for you, and that you are going at your own gentle pace this season.

Plan how you would like to spend the day and where. Give yourself permission to do what suits. For some, it may be going away, staying at a hotel or having a hike up the mountains. It could be volunteering on the day, or inviting others who may also be struggling over. Socially, let others know that while you appreciate invitations, you will need to gauge how you are on the day.

Play it all by ear. Have a circle of personal and or professional support that you can lean on. Express your needs, whether it is to join you for a walk in nature, or just watch TV with you. Try to have a daily routine and get outside in the daylight and fresh air. If possible, visit new places and create new memories or traditions.

Remember to breathe. Try meditation, breathwork, yoga and other calming activities. Engage in new interests involving creativity or learning.

No matter how raw the grief is, life will move around it and ease it little by little. It changes intensity and shifts from processing to containment. Try to see Christmas as just being one day.

Honour the person in ways that work for you such as visiting the grave, buying a present or setting a place at the table for the deceased. Set up a small tree with their photos and ornaments on it or light a special candle for them to be used every year.

Donate to a charity that they would have supported, or is relevant to them, in their honour. The Light up a Life in aid of Our Lady's Hospice and Care services offers the opportunity to rememember someone important by sponsoring a light in their name.

Be open with others who also grieve the person, and provide opportunities to acknowledge the loss. Talk about the deceased, their ways and how they felt about Christmas.

Grief is exhausting so do less, get rest and limit or avoid late nights or alcohol. Avoid anything that drains your energy. Keep it as low-key as possible. And remember give yourself guilt-free periods of enjoyment if they arise.

How to support those grieving

When supporting someone who is struggling with grief this time of year, listen to what they want and how they are feeling. There are private grievers and open grievers. Don't place any pressure on them. Be sensitive and mindful of their pain.

Acknowledge their sorrow and be mindful of the language you use. It was an Irish tradition not to send cards for the first Christmas, so check with the person. Let them know you are thinking of them.

Try to mirror their pace and match their mood. Offer practical help with shopping, cooking or other chores. Keep invitations open and flexible for them. Set aside time for the person grieving in person, on calls and texting.

If grief is too overwhelming and is impacting daily functioning ongoing, discuss with your GP and avail of grief counselling.

If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.